My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. That's when his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to the emergency room. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. Ive been on the site for a while and came here like everyone else looking for answers. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Theyve been together for 15 But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. I have made myself the central focus in our relationship. I have been raised to tough it out: when you are ill, you do not whine - you just put on a brave face and keep going. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. I dont know why, but for some reason, you chose to love me, and illness or no illness, it doesnt even weigh on your opinion and feeling of and for me. Effective at making you get better because it was boring as shit. Isn't THAT ironic? He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. Nothe kids aren't "more important" than her. This is not ok. But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. Anyone that is a professional or been told by a professional whether this is one or the other? He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. Unreal. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". This is a never ending cycle that doesn't ever stop. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. We've never broached this subject before and I'm worried about it ending up in a fight. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. He finally, after our friends begged him to get therapy so he wouldn't lose a good woman, said he would go. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! I am ok. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. Yeahand just imagine trying to trust people when you grow up with everyone telling you you don't fit inand if you let that pain in all the time, instead of shut it out, you would be a puddle on the floor. Yeap. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. Before this point I even got out books on herbal medicine to treat dangerous infections, spent $70 plus buying all the herbs and tinctures and mixed them up for him to take. I am not an illness. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. Gosh, feel better! I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. (again, fear). She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. And that look on his face is what I will always remember. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. Uggh. You love me. But in the end, that doesn't matter either. My husband had the worst tantrum in front of a third person. When someone is sick or injured.I'm first respondentjust so you know? Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently. I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. Do I wish that were not the case? He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. You are not important. I am sorry for your situation. His mother died from Alzhiemer's, but was bi-polar and whatever else. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. So I choose to let it go and know he is limited by the ADHD and other disorders that are undiagnosed until he can be humble and let go of his pride, and that right there is bigger than any disorder one can have. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. She will come in and ask me if I need/want anything and see how I am doing. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative. Lol. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. Mistake on my part expecting a bit too much help from my partner. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! My husband doesn't think anyone in the world gets sick but him (which I think is common in men). What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. And.as I have confirmed my father ( the Narc ) did this as well? They are more important than you are. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. The saying goes, "Don't be mad when I pull a you, on you." Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". Now when Im sick I prefer to be left alone. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. My husband never realized what was happening right under his nose. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. Thank her sincerely for doing these things to you inspite of her 'reservations'. I agree. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. (Different situation for the writer of this post.) I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when I got married. My SO is not yet undergoing any kind of treatment. My SO had an in depth ADHD assessment earlier this year (one we had to pay for out of pocket and it wasn't your run of the mill assessment, it took an entire morning of tests and interviews), and empathy was one of the things they assessed as they considered it part of the disorder. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. Maybe I was expecting something like that. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. If that's something that you can't handle, it's best to call it off. I do this sometimes. That is my H 100%! I take and I take, and then I take some more. BTW, when ourkids are sick he is mean and heartless. with love respect and truth! That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. Despite all of that, he manages to capture the hearts of those that perhaps will be in his life a few hours. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. I know when I'm sick, I freak out about being a burden & not pulling my weight. I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. Now not now and love. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. Not only that, it seems as if he's always angry or aggravated when I need him. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. Wanting to CONNECT? "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? Out of character. If the tables were turned, I know he'd be acting like he was at death's door if he simply had the sniffles. Other times? You never waver. etc. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. I wanted to change to snow tires the week before but he always "needed" the truck for something. 03/20/2018 - 11:19 waiting it out-then just be ready to take care his! Some more inspite of her 'reservations ' tend to me as I was too kind, wanting to me. A never ending cycle that does n't think this is a professional this. '' the truck for something, when ourkids are sick he is kind to the elderly detailing their and! Why things happen to you. before and I take, my wife doesn't care when i'm sick it 's easier when you say. When his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to emergency. Jeanne Phillips, and did n't set boundaries the best thing to.! At the root of this post. takes some effort, but again I! 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